Becoming Sane

I can tell you that each month we were trying to conceive after the miscarriage I would think that as had succeeded.  I let myself believe every twinge was it.  I was going to be pregnant.  Of course it never was and it made me crazy.    It made me block pregnant people on Facebook, it made me unable to even cut through the baby section at Target, and it made me sob when people said they were pregnant. 

 

Making a plan and deciding to pursue fostering, foster to adopt, adoption has made me sane again.   Last week I went to Target and I looked at ever single aisle of baby stuff.    Because we are getting so close.  I can see that baby in the crook of my arms.  I can smell that sweet baby after a bath. 

 

It is now a matter of WHEN instead of IF.

 

That has made me sane again. 

We are (hopefully) Going to be Foster (to adopt) Parents

I feel like I have always had a hear for adoption/fostering.

My husband... not so much.

 

I don't remember exactly when, but it was after we lost our baby when I remember being out to dinner with him at one of our favorite places, Mama Leones and asking if we could apply to foster.  It was a quick no from him.

 

I think it was a year after that when I had him print out the forms.   He was getting more on board.  But they say on the shelf in our guest bedroom and I never filled them out.  One day earlier this year as I was tidying up that room I remember coming across them and tossing them.  Because I didn't think he would be on board.  Because I thought we would get pregnant on our own...

 

In mid-July before our 4th wedding anniversary I brought it up again.  Chris printed out the papers again at work and brought them home.   A new path for us to venture down.

 

 

 

So we filled out the papers.  I told my mom and my sister.  We told the people we were going to use for family/personal references.

 

During the application process I would learn others were pregnant and it would hurt all over again.  I felt at times like why are we here filling out paperwork, getting fingerprinted, having background checks ran on us when other people just get pregnant.

 

I was elated when our paperwork was ready to be sent in.  I happily mailed it away, even paid more to send it Priority even though the office it was going to was only about 25 minutes from our home.   When I got back in the car, postage receipt in hand I took a photo to document it.  Sort of like what I would have done had I taken a positive pregnancy test.  This was our positive test!

 

 

That following Monday I got a call that our initial paperwork had been turned in and we would receive an email to schedule our 30 hours of foster care training. 

This was all really happening.

 

 

 



Different Dreams

I used to dream of becoming pregnant

and staying pregnant

and delivering a baby in a hospital.

Now I dream of getting a phone call

saying yes

and a baby showing up on our doorstep.

I used to dream of perusing through the baby name books and choosing the best names.

Now I wonder what will be the name of the baby that comes to us.

I used to dream that I would give birth to a baby with brown hair.

Curly brown hair and hazel eyes.

A baby that resembled my husband.

Now I dream of all sorts of babies.

Black and white babies.

Babies with blond hair or black curly hair.

Babies with blue eyes.

I used to dream of the perfect baby shower.

Now I dream about being able to round up enough stuff before our first placement arrives.

I used to dream about how I thought our family would expand through

Now I dream of how it will really be.