I am the mother of a 13 year old. I got pregnant with her when I was a Junior in college. I got pregnant with her the first time I slept with her biological father.
I raised her by myself until I met my husband in 2008. We had our first date in February of 2009. We were engaged in July of 2009. We moved in together in August of 2009. We were married in July of 2010. I had been on birth control pills for almost a year when we were married and I stopped taking them on our wedding day.
Before meeting and marrying my husband I had times of being a little wild. I didn't pay much attention to my fertility, was on and off of birth control, and just always ASSumed once I got married and wanted more kids it would be as easy as it was the first time.
Clearly... I was wrong.
Our "plan" was to just see what happened the first year, but ideally we would get pregnant our second year of marriage. I was naive to think it would be that easy.
In July of 2011 as we prepared to move from our home in Virginia to Rhode Island for my husband's job, I went to my gynecologist's office to see the nurse practitioner. I had always seen her and really trusted her. I told her we had been sort of trying for a year and nothing was happening. She ran some tests, we moved, and then she called me with the results.
Somewhere I have this all written down, but we were in the middle of the move from hell, but she said I didn't have PCOS, but the makings of it. She suggested I eat a low-carb diet, prescribed Metformin, and told me I would be pregnant in 3 months.
I was pregnant the next month.
I woke up on October 13, 2011, peed on a test, and sobbed in my bathroom. Finally. I was also scared to death. We had just moved so far away, I knew nobody, I had left my job to move, we were struggling financially and I was pregnant. I questioned if we had made a mistake. That afternoon I wrapped the test up in a bag and made cupcakes that I decorated pink and blue. I had them waiting in the living room when my husband came home and I told him and our daughter. We were overjoyed. That night in bed I said to my husband, "If anything happens to this baby... I don't know what I will do".
I waited on pins and needles for my appointment. I bought sleepers - one with footballs and one with cupcakes. I ordered baby books and baby name books and I was thrilled. Then I started spotting.
I went to the doctor on November 9, 2011 and they were unable to verify a viable baby. They sent me home, told me I was too early most likely and to come back in a week. But I knew.
I returned in a week with my husband. Again... they were not able to determine anything other than what was left of a small fetal pole. I was told the baby likely stopped developing at 6 weeks. I decided to forgo the d&c at the hospital and to use suppositories at home. Really... I just hoped they were wrong... and wasn't ready to let go.
I didn't the suppositories until Thanksgiving night. I was starting to feel sick and knew it was time. I had an epidural and a c-section with my daughter. Taking these suppositories was like being in labor. I was in awful pain. I finally miscarried the next morning.
I thought that not being able to get pregnant was painful. I shed a lot of tears, but finally getting pregnant after trying and then losing our baby was the worst pain I have ever felt. At times I would sob so uncontrollably that no sound would even come out.
I spent the next year in a daze. I was sad and angry. I cried every single day. I just wanted my baby back. I resented my husband and our marriage was suffering. Throughout that year I would have months where I would want to try again. So I would pull myself together and we would try, only to keep getting my period every month. It was awful. I think the miscarriage hurt me in ways I never knew possible. To add to it we were living in a new place, I had no friends, I was working from home, and I was isolated. Those aren't good things to be when you are already depressed over losing your baby.
As we approached a year after the miscarriage I started to feel better. We agreed to try again in November and December, but there was no pregnancy. I was ready for a break again.
In January I started focusing more on myself. I joined Weight Watchers, started walking, and got out of the house more. I could no longer live in this funk. Having a baby had controlled my life. It was time to put other things in focus.
Two weeks ago I went to my new family physician. She was warm and comforting and so I told her a little bit about our struggles. She ran some tests. She says I don't need Metformin anymore and that all my numbers are fine. My blood pressure is great and I have lost 28 pounds. We are back to trying again. We tried in June, but my period came. I had a good cry and not I am refocused for trying again. We are going to try two more times before consulting with a RE. I am 35. Time is ticking. We know we want a baby.
I look forward to sharing our journey.
I'm sharing this post by linking up at Kelly's Korner - Show Us Your Life - Infertility
