An Update

Things are really progressing along.  This past Monday we completed our 7th Foster Care/Adoption training class.  When we arrived we handed in all of our remaining documents (my birth certificate, Chris's autobiography, our family book, and a certificate saying our house was lead free).  We are hopeful we receive a call in the next week or two to proceed with the home study.

 

I have been going a little crazy buying baby stuff.   We went last week to a local baby/kids consignment sale and got a bunch of stuff.

 

So far I have purchased - hooded towels, washcloths, blankets, swaddle blankets, sleepers, sleep sacs, a changing table, a changing table pad, a stroller, a Chicco caddy stroller, a Boppy, a Moby wrap, a carseat bundle, a pack n play, a  rock n play, a diaper bag, toys, books, and a bunch of yellow and grey decor items for the nursery.  We were given an infant carseat and a crib.  I love being able to buy baby stuff.  Although I think I may have went a little crazy.

 

This is happening... it is really happening.  We are super excited and simply cannot wait. 

Becoming Sane

I can tell you that each month we were trying to conceive after the miscarriage I would think that as had succeeded.  I let myself believe every twinge was it.  I was going to be pregnant.  Of course it never was and it made me crazy.    It made me block pregnant people on Facebook, it made me unable to even cut through the baby section at Target, and it made me sob when people said they were pregnant. 

 

Making a plan and deciding to pursue fostering, foster to adopt, adoption has made me sane again.   Last week I went to Target and I looked at ever single aisle of baby stuff.    Because we are getting so close.  I can see that baby in the crook of my arms.  I can smell that sweet baby after a bath. 

 

It is now a matter of WHEN instead of IF.

 

That has made me sane again. 

Wow... just WOW

Last night was our 5th class.  We are half way done.  I was thrilled.  I sent a reply in the ongoing text between my mom, sister, and me to let them know.  This was my sister's reply.   No lie several months ago this would have caused me to ugly cry.  I just think it is rude and in poor taste now.

 

I think she missed the memo that it is in poor taste to joke about being pregnant to your infertile sister.   Not to mention it is strange to buy a Halloween card for your 30-something husband. 

Foster Care Classes - 3 down ... 7 To Go

Each week I look forward to going to our Foster Care class.  We have a full class.  A diverse class.  There are two single women, a gay couple, and the rest are married couples.  I love the leader and the co-leader (she fostered then adopted siblings in our state).

 

 

One of my favorite things about going to the class is the free Diet Coke in the classroom.  I stopped buying it for our house, so it is a nice treat each week.

 

Last week's class was on Loss.

 

 

You can't love a loss away.

 

True so true.

 

We have been doing gobs of paperwork like crazy.  Last week we took a road trip to Maryland.  My husband gets bored in the car so I just asked him a bunch of his questions while we were driving to knock it out of the way.   The nature of the questions at times can be pretty invasive, but I understand the importance (of most of the questions).

 

 

We had the fire inspector out yesterday to view our home.  I need to order a view things on Amazon to prepare for his next visit.  We have our first home visit next Tuesday.  I am nervous, but since I feel super comfortable with our leader, I know it will go great.

 

We are moving right along and for the first time in a long time I can see a light at the end of our tunnel.







We are (hopefully) Going to be Foster (to adopt) Parents

I feel like I have always had a hear for adoption/fostering.

My husband... not so much.

 

I don't remember exactly when, but it was after we lost our baby when I remember being out to dinner with him at one of our favorite places, Mama Leones and asking if we could apply to foster.  It was a quick no from him.

 

I think it was a year after that when I had him print out the forms.   He was getting more on board.  But they say on the shelf in our guest bedroom and I never filled them out.  One day earlier this year as I was tidying up that room I remember coming across them and tossing them.  Because I didn't think he would be on board.  Because I thought we would get pregnant on our own...

 

In mid-July before our 4th wedding anniversary I brought it up again.  Chris printed out the papers again at work and brought them home.   A new path for us to venture down.

 

 

 

So we filled out the papers.  I told my mom and my sister.  We told the people we were going to use for family/personal references.

 

During the application process I would learn others were pregnant and it would hurt all over again.  I felt at times like why are we here filling out paperwork, getting fingerprinted, having background checks ran on us when other people just get pregnant.

 

I was elated when our paperwork was ready to be sent in.  I happily mailed it away, even paid more to send it Priority even though the office it was going to was only about 25 minutes from our home.   When I got back in the car, postage receipt in hand I took a photo to document it.  Sort of like what I would have done had I taken a positive pregnancy test.  This was our positive test!

 

 

That following Monday I got a call that our initial paperwork had been turned in and we would receive an email to schedule our 30 hours of foster care training. 

This was all really happening.

 

 

 



Different Dreams

I used to dream of becoming pregnant

and staying pregnant

and delivering a baby in a hospital.

Now I dream of getting a phone call

saying yes

and a baby showing up on our doorstep.

I used to dream of perusing through the baby name books and choosing the best names.

Now I wonder what will be the name of the baby that comes to us.

I used to dream that I would give birth to a baby with brown hair.

Curly brown hair and hazel eyes.

A baby that resembled my husband.

Now I dream of all sorts of babies.

Black and white babies.

Babies with blond hair or black curly hair.

Babies with blue eyes.

I used to dream of the perfect baby shower.

Now I dream about being able to round up enough stuff before our first placement arrives.

I used to dream about how I thought our family would expand through

Now I dream of how it will really be. 

To Finally Let Go

 

For so long I kept letting myself think next month will be it...

next month you will get pregnant...

 

I can't even tell you how many next months have passed...

but it has been A LOT

 

As I sit here... 36... married for over 4 years and trying for a baby for just as long I know.

 

I know that my body will never create and carry another baby.

I am starting to accept and deal with it.

It sucks, but it is my reality.

 

Secondary infertility is my reality.