Sometimes I Forget...

Sometimes I forget who I was before every waking moment was consumed with having a baby.

 

And to be honest... I think I have started to remember.

 

Because it would be wrong to say that every waking moment still consumes me with trying to have a baby.  A lot of my life is consumed by it.  I told my husband jokingly the other day that our bathroom sink looked like a fertility clinic - two types of Ovulation Predictors, Pre-Seed, pregnancy tests, little plastic cups to pee in... 

 

 

I don't remember the last time I sobbed... probably earlier this month when I got my period, that always seems to do it.   But I did manage to recently purchase outfits for friends expecting twin girls (cue the jealousy) without any issues.

 

As much as I want a baby... we are coming on four years... four years of no birth control... three years of actively trying... and I am 36. Not exactly prime baby making age.  And although I hope it doesn't come to it for us I have been beginning to think about our life without a baby and without a focus on it... things like sleeping in, trips just the two of us, an empty nest (because our daughter will be a high school Sophomore next year, and non-procreational sex.  I can't tell you the last time we even had that.

 

We are currently on day 16 of my cycle.  This is our second cycle of Clomid which I took on days 3-7.  The Clearblue Advanced Digital Ovulation test seems to screw with me every day with that damn flashing smiley . I am praying to see a solid one soon as I have been on the blinky one for 5 days even though the package says to expect two days of blinkys before a solid.  I have had it with this test and have a different kind to start next month.   Hopefully I will not need it. 

Another Month Down...

My period arrived on Monday... just as I had expected.  I of course hoped it wouldn't arrive, but I didn't have any symptoms that would lead me to believe it wouldn't.  Of course each month I also think I would love to be one of those I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant ladies... and then I convince myself that even though I am bleeding... that I could still really be pregnant... that I could be one of those women who still has their period even when they are pregnant and then they end up delivering a baby into a toilet at Disneyland.

 

Hey... a girl can dream, can't she?

 

 

Almost 4 years into this whole thing I am getting discouraged.  I am 36.  My husband is 37.  We have an almost 15 year old.  When will enough be enough? I tell myself each month just one more month, then when my period comes, just one more.  Will I be 46 and telling myself the same thing?  I hope not. 

 

I think my husband is over it.  I know he wants and would love a baby... soon.  But I also think he would be fine if that baby never came.  I think he is looking forward to the time when our daughter is grown and out of the house and it is just the two of us.  We met when my daughter was 9 so we have always been parents.   I on the other hand have wanted to be a mom my entire life to a bunch of kids and the thought of only getting to it once kills me.  I was so young when my daughter was born.  I was a single mom.  I was a good mom, but I don't think I soaked it in like I could have... I was just trying to get by.  I always thought there were would be more babies down the road.  And there were... they were just never born.

 

 

I have a prescription for Clomid in my cabinet...  Here goes another month of trying. 

When the Tears Come

Things are better.

 

I don't cry as much as I used to.

 

Our house sits behind a school for special needs children.  When it is warm out (like today) I work from the dining room table with the screen door open.  Without fail every day around noon the kids come out to play.   I can see them and hear them from the table.

 

Today I could hear them on the swings and they were singing popular songs.  These were older kids... probably in fourth or fifth grade.

 

I began to cry.

 

 

My tears were brought on by not knowing if I will ever take another child of my own to a playground to push on the swings.

 

 

That is my reality.