Sometimes I Forget...

Sometimes I forget who I was before every waking moment was consumed with having a baby.

 

And to be honest... I think I have started to remember.

 

Because it would be wrong to say that every waking moment still consumes me with trying to have a baby.  A lot of my life is consumed by it.  I told my husband jokingly the other day that our bathroom sink looked like a fertility clinic - two types of Ovulation Predictors, Pre-Seed, pregnancy tests, little plastic cups to pee in... 

 

 

I don't remember the last time I sobbed... probably earlier this month when I got my period, that always seems to do it.   But I did manage to recently purchase outfits for friends expecting twin girls (cue the jealousy) without any issues.

 

As much as I want a baby... we are coming on four years... four years of no birth control... three years of actively trying... and I am 36. Not exactly prime baby making age.  And although I hope it doesn't come to it for us I have been beginning to think about our life without a baby and without a focus on it... things like sleeping in, trips just the two of us, an empty nest (because our daughter will be a high school Sophomore next year, and non-procreational sex.  I can't tell you the last time we even had that.

 

We are currently on day 16 of my cycle.  This is our second cycle of Clomid which I took on days 3-7.  The Clearblue Advanced Digital Ovulation test seems to screw with me every day with that damn flashing smiley . I am praying to see a solid one soon as I have been on the blinky one for 5 days even though the package says to expect two days of blinkys before a solid.  I have had it with this test and have a different kind to start next month.   Hopefully I will not need it. 

Up Tight B!tch

"You're an up tight bitch".

It hurt.

It stung.

I didn't speak to him for a day.

I needed to hear it and he needed to say it.  I think was probably the most hurtful thing my husband has ever said to me, but it also saved our marriage.

My anger and bitterness from the infertility... from the loss of a pregnancy... had made me this way.  In my husband's exact words "It is driving a wedge between us". 

Truer words have never been spoken.

 

My response to him included  this: "I don't remember what my life was like before my every waking thought was about having a baby.  I don't know how to find my happy again with that one huge thing missing.  I like things to be planned out... and it is so hard for me that our "plan" failed".  

 

I can say that our marriage has drastically improved since this hard conversations that tumbled over into the next day, which was New Year's Eve.

 

Every single day since then has been better.

 

Some days are harder than others.  Some days I have to wipe away the tears and tell myself that it is going to be a good day.

 

I am so thankful things are better.  Things are good.  Our marriage and our family are both in a really great place.