Another Month Down...

My period arrived on Monday... just as I had expected.  I of course hoped it wouldn't arrive, but I didn't have any symptoms that would lead me to believe it wouldn't.  Of course each month I also think I would love to be one of those I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant ladies... and then I convince myself that even though I am bleeding... that I could still really be pregnant... that I could be one of those women who still has their period even when they are pregnant and then they end up delivering a baby into a toilet at Disneyland.

 

Hey... a girl can dream, can't she?

 

 

Almost 4 years into this whole thing I am getting discouraged.  I am 36.  My husband is 37.  We have an almost 15 year old.  When will enough be enough? I tell myself each month just one more month, then when my period comes, just one more.  Will I be 46 and telling myself the same thing?  I hope not. 

 

I think my husband is over it.  I know he wants and would love a baby... soon.  But I also think he would be fine if that baby never came.  I think he is looking forward to the time when our daughter is grown and out of the house and it is just the two of us.  We met when my daughter was 9 so we have always been parents.   I on the other hand have wanted to be a mom my entire life to a bunch of kids and the thought of only getting to it once kills me.  I was so young when my daughter was born.  I was a single mom.  I was a good mom, but I don't think I soaked it in like I could have... I was just trying to get by.  I always thought there were would be more babies down the road.  And there were... they were just never born.

 

 

I have a prescription for Clomid in my cabinet...  Here goes another month of trying. 

Where We Are At

I was recently bulldozed over for a position at work that I have been busting my ass to achieve for over 9 months.  My first thought was to find another job.  I like my job.  I have been with the company for 2 1/2 years and I am able to work from home.  I have held onto it for this long, even when I know I could be making a lot more money doing something else.   We've just sort of been getting by financially with the thought that this work from home job will allow me to stay home once we have a baby.  2 1/2 years later... no baby... I feel like I could have been working another job, saving up for infertility treatments, etc...  I feel stuck.

 

Last month we didn't "try" because a trip home to visit my parents, one my husband didn't come along for, just so happened to fall within my fertile window.

 

Just my luck.

 

So this month another trip home (schedule out of my control) falls at the tail end of my fertile window.  So whereas I filled my Clomid prescription, I decided to hold off in case I ovulated late.

 

I have been taking the digital ovulation predictor kids - the ones that are supposed to show your 4 most fertile days.  I am on day 11 and I keep getting the empty circle.  I started testing on day 9.  I wonder I should have started earlier.  Each morning I hope like hell to see the smiley face...

 

We will see.