Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Sometimes I Forget...

Sometimes I forget who I was before every waking moment was consumed with having a baby.
And to be honest... I think I have started to remember.
Because it would be wrong to say that every waking moment still consumes me with trying to have a baby.  A lot of my life is consumed by it.  I told my husband jokingly the other day that our bathroom sink looked like a fertility clinic - two types of Ovulation Predictors, Pre-Seed, pregnancy tests, little plastic cups to pee in... 
I don't remember the last time I sobbed... probably earlier this month when I got my period, that always seems to do it.   But I did manage to recently purchase outfits for friends expecting twin girls (cue the jealousy) without any issues.
As much as I want a baby... we are coming on four years... four years of no birth control... three years of actively trying... and I am 36. Not exactly prime baby making age.  And although I hope it doesn't come to it for us I have been beginning to think about our life without a baby and without a focus on it... things like sleeping in, trips just the two of us, an empty nest (because our daughter will be a high school Sophomore next year, and non-procreational sex.  I can't tell you the last time we even had that.
We are currently on day 16 of my cycle.  This is our second cycle of Clomid which I took on days 3-7.  The Clearblue Advanced Digital Ovulation test seems to screw with me every day with that damn flashing smiley . I am praying to see a solid one soon as I have been on the blinky one for 5 days even though the package says to expect two days of blinkys before a solid.  I have had it with this test and have a different kind to start next month.   Hopefully I will not need it. 

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